Love letter straight from his heart
by kalpatree
Summary: Set after 8.4, Harry grows frustrated with the cryptic conversations between himself and Ruth and decides to bring things out in the open...


**This is my first fic. Ever. But the lovely Harry and Ruth keep inhabiting my thoughts, and this one demanded to be put on record, as I am getting rather frustrated with all the non existent conversations on park benches so this is some wishful thinking. Please let me know if it sucks!**

Love Letters Straight From Your Heart

_The sky may be starless,  
The night may be moonless,  
But deep in my heart there's a glow.  
For deep in my heart  
I know that you love me.  
You love me because you told me so._

_CHORUS:  
Love letters straight from your heart  
Keep us so near while apart.  
I'm not alone in the night  
When I can have all the love you write._

_I memorize ev'ry line,  
I kiss the name that you sign.  
And, darling, then I read again right from the start  
Love letters straight from your heart. _

_(sung by Nat King Cole; cant find writers)_

Set after 8.4

Part 1

Harry's mind raced as he swirled the amber liquid in the glass in his hand. The CIA station head being killed, some mysterious group working in the background to overthrow the world and underneath and around everything.. Ruth. He switched off the television that he wasn't focusing on anyway and leant back into the sofa. Beside him, the small terrier snuffled in her sleep and shifted her front paws.

Ruth. God, how his heart had flipped when those bastards had brought her in. How it been ripped apart by the decisions that he had HAD to make which led to the death of her husband, how he felt completely empty and useless in the face of Ruth's anger at him. And how, when she came to him with that familiar soft look on her face and her gentle apology, how he had felt shaken to the core. He'd tried to talk to her again after that...but.. God.. he slammed the glass down on the table. Drops spattered over his hand and onto the floor. Scarlett opened an eye and looked at him quizzically.

Harry held his head in his hands. How was it possible to love someone so much and not be able to communicate it? His fear of hurting her, her fear of being hurt. Ridiculous! Here they were. Two grown adults, with so much complication and doubt and history between them that they couldn't speak the simple truth. Speaking. Harry suddenly thought. Speaking. That's what always screwed them up. Speaking. What if... Harry reached for his briefcase, withdrew paper and a pen and started to write.

Part 2

Ruth switched the radio on and shrugged on her old dressing gown before going downstairs for her morning cup of tea. At least she wasnt working today, she would have time to continue looking for a decent place to live. It felt weird to be in this MI5 safe house, with it's second hand, shop-soiled furnishings and the fear and tension of it's previous occupants almost palpable in the air, but her search for a flat was progressing slowly; she couldn't find anything she liked in her price range.

She paused as she came to the foot of the stairs in front of the door. A rectangular white shape on the mat. Too early for the morning post. Cautiously she turned it over. A single word, Ruth, was neatly written on the front in Harry's handwriting.

She ripped open the envelope, withdrew the A4 sheet within and started reading the neat cursive script that covered it.

_Dear Ruth,_

_I have been frustrated beyond speech into writing this letter, as I feel that unless I say how I feel, I will possibly have to be taken away by men in white coats. I never seem to be able to express how I feel and am also concerned about hurting you still further. So I want to make myself very clear and will take the consequences of whatever your reaction may be as my responsibility._

_I love you. I know that this may seem a heartless and pressurising thing to say given the death of your partner. But Ruth, I can,t help it. I love you with all my heart. I do not expect anything of you. Now or at any time in the future, but in our uncertain world, I couldn't continue without telling you now that you are back. _

_I love your smile. I love your passion for the just and moral course. I love your loyalty and your commitment, your sense of humour, your intelligence, your beauty and your integrity. You are a beautiful soul. When you are around, I feel that all is right with the world. _

_Now I have said this, I don't expect you to do anything differently. It would be a privilege if you would consider me to be a friend, but if not, then I understand. My love for you is like breathing. I cant stop it. I cant live without it. It is a part of who I am. It is unconditional. You are you and you are in the world. That in itself is a gift. Whatever you decide to do. Wherever you are. I am here for you._

_I hope that you don't feel this has made your position untenable. I would never let my feelings for you change the way I treat you at work. I have after all felt this way for years, its just that I am only now saying it. And you may ask why, why did he not say it to my face? To which I would say that when we speak, words and fear seem to get in the way. And I just want to be honest with you for once. _

_Yours_

_Harry_

Ruth stared at the page. She became aware she was trembling and set down on the bottom stair. Her eyes drifted over paragraphs without seeing them, sobs suddenly erupted from deep within her and her whole body shook as she held onto the wooden banister rod like a drowning person holding onto a spar. She felt adrift on a sea of raging emotions, none of which she could name, nor did she know where they were coming from. Raw pain, anguish welled up and she was not even aware of her surroundings. Her cold feet, the sunlight playing on the carpet through the kitchen door. She was utterly oblivious.

After some time she wiped her face, stood up uncertainly and stepped into the kitchen. She picked up the phone.

Part 3

Harry was walking Scarlet in the park when his mobile rang. He'd not slept the whole night after dropping off the letter, and since 8am his restlessness had taken him out of the house. "Any moment now" he kept thinking. "She'll be opening it, reading it... hating me... what the hell have I done?."

He took a deep breath and pressed the receive button. "Ruth?"

He was shocked to hear the weakness in her voice as she replied "Harry? Could you come over please? "

"Yes of course, I'm out at the moment, I'll be there in half an hour"

He took a deep breath and prayed to whatever deities looked after old spooks that things would be OK.

When the door opened, he was met by a rather dishevelled Ruth who had obviously just showered and put on an jumper and unironed skirt. Her face looked empty, her eyes cloudy. His heart sank. As she led him through to the small front living room, the first thing he noticed was his letter, lying on the coffee table. They sat on the small stained sofa.

" I went to pieces when I read your letter Harry, and I don't really know why." she said in a tired voice. " I just sobbed and sobbed, I couldn't stop, I cant stop, I don't know what's going on." her face crumpled and she covered it with her hands to hide the tears streaming down it. Her body shook.

"Ruth, I'm sorry, Ruth" Harry felt totally out of his depth, he wanted to hold her so much, he put his hand tentatively on her shoulder and squeezed it. Somewhat to his surprise, she leaned into him and he put his arm around her in a loose hug.

"It was when you said that I just had to be in the world, that you would always love me, it just, it just.." her voice trembled.

Harry took a deep breath , he was out of his depth here. He didn't know what to say. "Sometimes", he began slowly, as he stitched together recollections of another age, of late night conversations and personal experiences "When we experience love, all the hurt we've been holding onto all start coming out; its like a healing process, its just coming out so you can let go of it, all the pain, all the hurt, it's coming out to go away forever... something an old friend told me once." He felt foolish, hoped he didn't appear patronising.

Ruth turned to him, still shaking, face damp with tears. She gave him a shaky smile. "Harry the shrink", she said quietly. "Hardly" said Harry, "I avoid those people like the plague, its just common sense really; we lock all this pain we feel, about not being loved in the way we need, away deep inside and live with it. And then , when you experience love, you feel amazing but all this other stuff comes out with it. All the pain, rejection, fear. " He smiled at Ruth and brushed a tear from her face with his thumb as his hand cradled her face. "You're right of course, I don't really know what I'm talking about. I'm sorry that I've made you feel like this"

Ruth reached up and covered his hand with hers. She looked at him in an intense way that suddenly made him feel like the world around him had dissolved. "Don't apologise Harry, it was beautiful and rather brave". Harry took a deep breath. "Not as brave as saying it to your face". Ruth looked down for a moment and then smiled more strongly "No, I know what you mean; we're too good at dancing round each other with words."

Ruth stretched up her hands and held his face gently. "I love you Harry. I've always loved you. I've never stopped loving you. I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment. Ah " she put her finger on his lips as he tried to respond . " I know, you don't want to pressure me either. Its OK. Its enough for me to know you love me and I love you. It feels like, like being very safe in an odd kind of way.. Hold me Harry." She put her arms around him and leant her head against his chest, feeling his arms around her, his breathing, his heart beat, his scent. She breathed in deeply and then straightened her head to look at him.

Harry's stomach was churning, he felt a smile spreading over his face. It was OK. She loved him. It didn't matter that she wanted space at the moment, he could live with that . She loved him. All was right with the world. He was holding Ruth in his arms, he could feel her warmth against him, her breathing, her heart beat, her scent. He looked into her eyes as she looked up. They shared the same smile.

* * *

**Purleese review, and let me know what you think!!**


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